Princess Of Ruin!

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http://serenindigo.blogspot.com/
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Just a thought...

Twitter - Just a justified way to speak to yourself without getting sectioned!

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...and it just crossed my mind...

The first thoughts of the day - So pure...

The last thought at night - So corrupt...

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Submission Collision!

My mind is due to explode!

I write. I have written ever since I can remember. I may not be of much use vocally, but words are my passion.

SO, WHY IS IT THAT WHENEVER I AM ASKED TO WRITE, MY MIND CRAMPS?

For the first time in my life, I have been praised for my efforts and invited to write for a magazine. I can write as freely as I please, and as often as I wish, and suddenly, I cannot write a sentence. I feel like a huge thumb is pressing my forehead, restricting my creativity. My body is ecstatic, my brain is in meltdown, and yet, I sit here, scraping all I can gather in a pathetic attempt to break this restraint.

Perhaps, this is not me.

Perhaps, the topic is too truthful. Can I really write as freely as I wish? That means I would have to face matters that I am not ready to face.

Writing is a lonely past-time, and nobody is holding my hand.

That's the answer - Nobody is holding my hand, but I hold then pen! The pen needs my support!

Can I do that?

My pen has been my best friend since day 1. I can do that.

What if what I write is irrelevant? What if it does not satisfy what is required? What if it is ANOTHER pathetic attempt?

FAIL!

COME ON GEM! YOU CAN DO THIS!

So, I put pen to paper. My mind still wanders, and words fly carelessly around, lost and bewildered, and I am closer to breaking point.

I never did cope well under pressure. I combust! I feel the bubbles rise and the steam amount, and writing is now the last thing on my mind...

I NEED A BREAK!

This is me.

This is who I really am. Uncensored, unrehearsed and uncontrolled.

This is me.

I have written since I was old enough to hold a pen. From as far back as I care remember, late at nights, I have occupied myself with song-writing and poetry. My earliest memories of writing are of squatting at my window sill at night, with the street-light as my desk-lamp, scribbling into the early hours as my parents and sister slept; writing my own versions of the songs I heard on the radio. I have a permanent dent in the middle finger of my right hand where the Parker has rubbed away the skin in those ‘moments of passion’

I am 26. I am everything to some, nothing to others. A parent, a fiancee, a writer, a guitarist, a photographer, a music lover… an artist in many ways.

I have a ten year old son who is diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder and Tourettes; who has opened my eyes to an un-accepting world, and inspired me beyond belief. He fills my heart with joy and gives me a reason to love my life. He IS me.

My Fiance is my ‘Happily ever after’, my hero, my ‘knight In Shining Armour’. Four wonderful years of completion.

My guitar is my closest friend.

My lack of confidence is my weakness; my arch-enemy! Temptations and willingness to please others; my biggest downfall.

My family - My strength.

My past - My drive.

I ♥

1.. I ♥ Summertime Road Trips - Windows down, Volume up, No worries...


2.. I ♥ Purple. It's calming and complimenting.


3.. I ♥ Zed's uncontrolled giggles.


4.. I ♥ The way MrT's hand giants mine.


5.. I ♥ Lucozde... God's Piss.


6.. I ♥ The smell of the air the day following Bon Fire night.


7.. I ♥ Swear-words... They make me chuckle!


8.. I ♥ The sound of crisp Autumn leaves crunching beneath my boots.


9.. I ♥ Noodles - Noodles solve EVERYTHING.

Look At The Stars... Look How They Shine For You...

August bank holiday closes, and Autumn approaches. Not long until Zed returns to school. I've dreaded this week for a while. Why does September always hit so hard?

It's change, and I hate change!

Having Zed home makes me feel safe... I always cry when the holidays end, as odd at it may be. Most mothers I know get the flags out this time of year. I fear Thursday morning. I panic and worry. This time next year, he will be changing schools - The BIG school. The years have flown, and it uneases me.

Thanks Zed! =)

When I became a Mam, the whole world changed. I didn't think I would ever have the strength to see it through. I couldn't look after myself, let alone a child, and I didn't know where to turn. But the years go by, and you find amazing strength in love. To look in to your child's eyes and see hurt is the most heartbreaking feeling in the world. To not be able to give your child what they need gives you such a feeling of failure. To not have anybody there to back you up is the loneliest feeling. Nothing can hurt you more than some of the decisions we have to make for our children. We have to do what is right by them, by us and by everybody else. We have to stand up and admit we are wrong to lead the way but we also have to hold our heads up high and stick to our guns when we have made the right decisions - even when the world is against us.

To love a child; To be there with them each and every step of the way; And when that child looks you in the eye and says "you're doing the right thing Mam"... We'll there's just no comparison. xxx

KM/JM

There's something blocking the sun today.
There's history on the air.
There's something that hangs in the sky, so to say,
Something that you left there.

There's a reason that I cannot smile today,
And a promise that I cannot shake.
A feeling that's taken my hopes away,
And a heart that continues to break.

There's a hole that grows deeper everyday,
And I life that I tried to rebuild.
There's time on my hands that is flying away,
And a need that will not be fulfilled.

There's something blocking the sun today.
There's history in the air.
And I look to the sky for answers,
But still I find nothing there.

Gem's Law

#1. You always sneeze AFTER you have put on your make-up.

#2. Your car always breaks down with a tank full of petrol.

#3. Your hair only ever looks good the day before you go out.

#4. Your oven breaks down on the rare occasion that your freezer is full of food.

#5. Whenever you buy a DVD off Amazon that you haven't seen for years and never seen for sale in the shop, Sky decide to play it the week later.

#6. Your boiler breaks down the day after your landlord leaves the country.

#7. The left shoe of your favourite pair with silver sequins only ever shows up when you're looking for your slippers.

#8. You buy your son a paddling pool on the hottest day of the year, spend two hours filling it up with water and it rains for the next 8 months.

#9. The first time in 6 months you decide you to out to your local to see your friends, the pub landlord closes for refurbishment.

#10. You spend a months pay buying plants to make the garden look nice for the summer and next door's rabbit squeezes through the fence and eats the lot.

#11. Your son's XBox breaks down a fortnight after Christmas.

#12. You move your TV to the other side of the room BEFORE you realise that the lead from the Satellite dish only reaches half-way.

#13. You only ever seem to remember that you have left your bank card in the car AFTER the shop keeper has scanned your items.

#14. The gas only ever runs out when you are in the shower.

#15. You only ever get asked for I.D for cigarettes when you have left your I.D in the house.

#16. Visitors only ever show up when you are half-way through the door.

#17. Your son is only ever hungry when it is bedtime.

#18. You spend hours getting ready to look nice on a night out, and your friends only ever decide to take photographs when you yawn.

#19. You only ever find that fiver you lost three weeks ago on payday.

#20. Your cat only ever does tricks when the people you are showing her off to leave the room.

Lost In A World Of Webs

Since I fell ill a year ago, the one thing that has kept me from climbing the walls is my curiosity with the World Wide Web. Not only has it been, at times, my only contact with aquaintances outside of my family circle, but I have become interested - OBSESSED, even, with the ability to learn more about the world outside of these four walls.

I was 16 years old when I first met my son - Just four days after the last of the two GCSEs that I sat, and, with no regrets, that is as far as my education stretched... And my, how the world has evolved since those school compulsory I.T lessons that I avoided ten years ago!

Not only did I set up the Asperger's Awareness community, but I discovered a whole new meaning of open-mindedness. Facebook is to blame. That little web of social destruction has a lot to answer for! My passion for writing was revived, and I have forever since, craved the space to set my creativity unleashed, uncensored and free!

...And suddenly, I find myself lost in a world of Plurks, Twits, Blogs, Spaces, Feeds, Readers and Discussions. Suddenly, I am dizzy and over-run with ability. Suddenly, I'm nobody... Just a puddle of fonts and smilies.

STOP THE WORLD... I WANT TO GET OFF!

SunSummer 2009

After a tempremental forecast of weather over in Wales the past three months, I think it is safe to say that summer is coming to an end. I am pleased to say that despite the downpours, hospital visits, dying VW, and lack of money, MrT, Zed and I have made the most of our opportunities and all-in-all, we have had a good one!


Coast to coast, Beacon to Beacon. Until next time...
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"You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst thing in the world. ” — O'Brien

TRAINS

It has been three years since I last travelled on a train, and if I never have to travel on one again, it would be a day too soon. The nearest train station to Maerdy is five miles away, so they have never been my first choice of travel, but the whole idea never did appeal to me.

There are so many reasons that trains scare the living daylights out of me. The rubber seal that holds the carriages together, the huge gap between the train and the platform when boarding, the backwards seats that turn my stomache, the stench of disinfectant from the public toilet, and most of all, the feeling you get in your feet from metal on metal as the wheels 'balance' on the track.

They feel unsturdy and ricketty and after a half hour journey, whether I have a return ticket or not, you can guarantee that I'll be catching the bus home!

MOVING HOUSE

The first thing my Mam and Dad bought together as a married couple was their own house. My Dad grew up in a council house, and although, that is where his family lived until the day he moved in with my Mam, he was devistated that the council decided to demolish the street in which his family home stood. My Mam and Dad have worked hard all these years to keep up with the mortgage payments, and I never did understand why they did not just sell up, get a low-rent council house and spend their earnings on the luxuaries they deserved, such as holidays, a family car, or nights out with their friends.

But, it has been 10 years since I flew the nest, and eight houses later, I can now see why my parents put every penny of their earnings into having their own home.

I hate everything about moving. The packing, the feeling of homesickness, breakages, losing friends, losing valuables, I could go on forever! When you move around as often as I have, you never get that feeling of Home - Just another place to lay your belongings, until next time!

DOCTOR'S SURGERYS

I am well and truly useless when it comes to keeping appointments, but when I do not want to attend that appointment, you can put your life on it, I will not be there. I have nothing against Doctors. For all the obvious reasons, I think they are angels, but ther Doctor's surgery - Well that is a different matter.

I swear, the germs flying around those places have TEETH! The loud BUZZZZZZ for the next patient, the telephone ringing every two minutes, the coughs, the babies crying, mindless gossip, year old magazines... And I always seem to have a two hour wait, even though I have had an appointment booked for over two whole months!

MSN

I absolutely refuse to use MSN, full stop. Why? Because I simply cannot cope! How people can find that much to talk about everyday completely baffles me. I get as far as :

ME - "Hiya, How are things?"

THEM - "Great thanks! And you?"

ME - "Yeah great. What you up to then?"

THEM - "Not much. Bored. You?"

ME - "Same really. Bored stiff!"

...And what then? Seriously, is this what life is all about? Admittedly, I spend a lot of time on Facebook, but at least there are things to do there. Play games, join groups, find new music... Okay, so maybe Facebook is not much better, but I am sure many will relate to this.

RUGBY SIX NATIONS

I know what you are all thinking, but no, it is not because I am a 'girly girl'. In fact, it is the opposite! I LOVE rugby. I grew up travelling the county as a fan for our local team. I would stand there in all weathers, shouting my support, win or lose. And I loved it a s a youngster when I was allowed to watch the Six Nations with my Dad and my Uncle, but as I have grown up and started watching the rugby in my local, I have grown to hate it all. The rugby - I will always love that, but the fans completly ruin the season for me. It seems that the only reason men go to the pub to watch the rugby is to drink the bar dry and 'smash one another to pieces'! And, I hate to say, the only reason the women go out is to ensure the men do just that. I am not saying everyone is the same, but the majority really spoil it for the true fans. Too much booze!

Not such a great week

Ok, not the most happiest of first posts, but I need to vent.

I've not had the greatest of weeks to say the very least - I've not had the greatest of years to be truthfully honest. Ever heard of a Pneumothorax? Pfft, neither had I until exactly one year ago. I'm 26 years old, fit as a fiddle, and the one people turn to for help and support, but one year ago, after a week away on holiday with my son and fiance, I started getting a painful sensation in my chest. I assumed I had pulled a muscle, and despite the strain, I carried on a normal. Then one evening, the pain worsened, and I became short of breath. I waited for my better half to get home from work, and he whisked off to A&E.

It turned out that my lung had collapsed. HOW? My lung had torn and air had escaped. The escaped air was blocked inside my chest and had crushed my lung so badly, I was finding it difficult to breathe. I have a very vivid memory of the 'Plunge' that the Dr inserted into my chest to remove the air. Umpteen plunges later, I was sent to the hospital ward, given an oxygen mask and told I may be discharged the next morning.

WOW! I couldn't believe it!... ME???

Yes I smoke. Yes I drink. Yes I have experimented, but nowhere near as much as the next person. Why me at 26 years old?

Apparently, there's a medical term for it. SPONTANEOUS PNUEMORORAX.

This is a mystery as this usually affects tall, skinny men, such as basket ball players. Obviously, I'm female and although I am very thin, I am just 5ft tall.

It's been an agonising year. I've had ups and downs. Mostly downs - Not being able to play football with, wrestle with, and carry my ten year old son has hurt more than my chest, although, the pain goes away for a while.

But this week, the pain has come bad twice as bad as the day I was first admitted to hospital.

There is still air there that is 'supposed to' SOMEHOW disappear into my blood stream, but I have a terrible feeling that it has crushed my lung again. So for five whole days, I have been laid up on the settee, trying my hardest to recover.

I cannot fly on an aeroplane for three years, I cannot carry anything heavy, stretching hurts and the alternative is an operation to GLUE the tear in my lung =\

20 something chest Xrays in one year, God knows how many hospital visits and minus every friend I ever had, I'm beyond DOWN IN THE DUMPS!

What next?

Who knows...